Dear devastated medical student,

I remember every detail of Match Day very clearly. I remember the purple walls of the clinic I was rotating through, the sliding barn doors to exam rooms, the smell of lavender hand soap. I remember wearing my gray zip-up Patagonia sweatshirt and my sparkly pink gym shoes, well-worn from running around hospitals and clinics. At noon, I sat in the hallway, opening my laptop to see my results. My heart threw itself out of my chest to the floor. I disclosed to my mentor where I was headed through large, free-flowing tears. Though I’d planned to be in clinic with her all day, I told her I immediately had to leave. I cried on my way home and for the hours afterward. Rather than matching in the top three places on my rank list — like most students from my medical school — I matched quite low on my rank list. I was headed to a program I had no real interest in attending. My life changed tremendously in many ways I hadn’t planned, anticipated, or wanted. Even along this journey, there are four valuable things I want to tell you.

I Am So Sorry You Are Disappointed and You Are Not Alone

It is difficult to watch others match into their first- or second-choice residency programs. I know you are jealous of your happy friends and classmates who are excited about their futures. I know you are grieving the loss of your potential future. In mere moments, you are someone else. Someone you had not planned to become. Someone you had not wanted to be. I am so sorry you have lost your dream. While some people focus on the fact that you did match and that it could be worse, this is agonizing. I want to hold space for your heartbreak and your disappointment. Maybe you need time right now. Maybe the rest of this letter is for later. That’s OK, too. Close the tab. Tuck it away. Open it later when you’re ready. It’s OK to feel your pain fully. Feel the anger you feel at yourself, others, or both. I didn’t give myself enough time to grieve; make sure you process this fully.

You Can Make It Through This Disappointment

Even amid this disappointment, you will make it through. Residency anywhere has the possibility of being a transformative learning experience. Even though it may not be in the place that you want it to be (maybe it’s not even the specialty you want it to be in), you will still be able to make profound impacts on people’s lives. You will help people, and they will teach you more about yourself, the world, and about caring for others than you could imagine. You will learn confidence and humility. You will learn courage, kindness, and genuine compassion. You will learn these lessons in any context as a physician if you are open to learning them. Don’t make the same mistake I did and initially let this experience close you off from learning from others. If you do, you will wonder if you could have gotten more out of the experience. You owe it to yourself and patients to make this work. Because you have made it this far, you have made it through pain before. You can do it again.

You Will Find Some of the Best Love of Your Life

Residency has caused me immense psychological stress; it does it to everyone. The amount of time I spent reading about burnout and compassion fatigue rivals what I spent reviewing guidelines and pathophysiology. However, I was not alone, and you won’t be either. I have seen how much my loved ones love me. I received confirmation that my husband will love me madly at my worst. I learned how far my mom would go just to spend a few hours with me — she drove five hours one way more than once just to have lunch with me. My co-residents covered my shifts when I became sick without question, bought me wedding presents, and stood up for me. My residency program director watched my dog and supported me in coordinating medical care for my husband. My subspecialty mentors embraced me and selflessly mentored my research. My best friend, who lives across the country, is emotionally present and thoughtful. A mentor of mine from medical school bought my earrings to wear during my fellowship interviews to make me feel empowered. I have personally experienced empathy’s radical power. You will have an opportunity where you can find radical love and empathy as you experience this challenge and all of those to come. I hope you will be able to experience it as a gift and give that gift to others.

Better Days Are Coming

Residency is hard in ways I had never experienced and in ways I never could have imagined. My story didn’t end with sadness. I matched into my top ranked fellowship spot for subspecialty fellowship (to complete the circle of life, I called my medical school mentor I had been with on Match Day, and she was the first to know the good news). I have met amazing people and worked extensively on causes I care about. I have had an opportunity to do interesting, impactful research. As you muddle your way through this experience, you can use it to leverage yourself into another position that excites you. Don’t throw away wonderful things to come due to this bump in the road. The future is still bright. This is just a tunnel that you must travel through.

I have felt your pain. This experience is life-altering. Allow this experience to alter you for good. While your future may not look the way you want it to, you have a wonderful opportunity for this to look better than you could have imagined.

With love,

Micaela

Micaela Stevenson Wyszewianski is a fourth-year obstetrician and gynecology resident at the Medical College of Wisconsin. Follow her on instagram at @drmatyourcervix.

Illustration by Diana Connolly