While fourth year of medical school is praised as the easiest year for many, mine was doomed by "failure." In hindsight, I can say it led to years of growth and discovery, but my weeks of feeling lost and stuck felt never-ending back then. On both a personal and professional level, these perceived failures marked the windy road that led me to my fulfilling career and relationship today.
To start, while in college and medical school, I had a clear vision of my future with a plan: married by 26 years old, become an ob/gyn and then infertility specialist, have children in my 30s and likely stay in New York where I was raised. The plan was working out and at 25, I felt overall satisfied with my social life and academic standing preparing for my ob/gyn residency interviews and planning a wedding. During a time where I felt on track, repeated failures took me by surprise: first, a broken engagement during residency interviews in winter 2018, likely affecting my interview style due to my grief, and then matching to a one-year preliminary spot in ob/gyn instead of a four-year program. Instead of going to Match Day and celebrating with my peers, I sat in my childhood bedroom wondering how this could have all happened to me. Nonetheless, I pushed forward with the support and love of my family and friends.
During my ob/gyn internship starting just a few months later, I learned so much about myself and what I wanted from my career in a personal and professional sense. I loved caring for women in the Bronx and did my best to keep my head high despite not knowing where I would need to move the following year to complete residency. The 28-hour shifts (without a partner at home) tested my ability to practice self-care; I remember doing my yoga routines and taking runs in Van Cortlandt Park to clear my mind. By January 2020, as I was on my gynecologic oncology rotation, I was feeling run down, uncertain how I would move to a new unknown city in six months; at that time, I paid attention to what gave me strength and endurance on these longer days, and it truly came down to the stories of my patients. I relished playing the role to assuage their fears of childbirth, to help them through the anxiety of parenthood, and to even hold their hands as they went through their stages of chemotherapy and surgery. With curiosity, I spoke to reproductive psychiatrists in New York who shed light on the field and the high demand for reproductive psychiatry in the academic sphere. While interviewing for open PGY2 spots in ob/gyn, I took a leap and interviewed at Tufts for their open PGY2 spot in psychiatry, and by June 2020, I moved to Boston on my own to pursue that position.
In Boston, my psychiatry residency was a stark contrast to my ob/gyn internship and provided me with a renewed validation of my abilities as a doctor. I was reminded of my skills in taking good care of patients in both the inpatient and outpatient setting and began to love my role again in people's lives. I felt fulfilled in my place, no longer worried about the next steps on my path. I even started a national interest group for trainees in reproductive psychiatry to share my story with others and met several residents with a similar non-linear path. Throughout this journey, I also reflected on what was important for myself for long-term sustainability in both my profession and relationship.
I am grateful to be at a place now where I am building a reputation at a top institution while planning a wedding with a partner with whom I can navigate life's challenges. My life definitely did not go according to my 20-year-old self's plan! Although there are moments where I think about the adrenaline rush and the hustle of Labor and Delivery, I can embrace my passion while helping people through their experiences of childbirth-related trauma, perinatal anxiety, and postpartum depression. I collaborate with my ob/gyn and infertility colleagues with discussion of patients, presentations, and research studies, and it gives me so much joy to fill that role in people's lives.
While the perceived failures five years ago felt endless, my ability to move forward and transition to such an important medical field proved to be one of my biggest successes. Although there were lonely nights, my family and friends were there for me through all the ups and downs. It certainly was not an easy path, yet I am forever thankful for my growth and discovery along the way.
Reid Mergler, MD is an assistant professor of clinical psychiatry and a reproductive psychiatrist at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. She is the co-founder of Repro Psych Trainees and she is passionate about mentorship in medicine and trauma-informed care.
Illustration by Diana Connolly
