Should physician couples in long-term relationships (LTRs) share finances?

Before I answer, let me acknowledge that I am wading into murky and dangerous waters. This is a highly charged topic that is also highly personal. However, it is so important to an LTR and the individuals in it to have a healthy relationship with money. We cannot and should not ignore this topic just because it is awkward!

So, here is my answer: Yes, physicians in LTRs (either with other physicians or with non-physicians) should share finances. 

Now, I’ll admit that when my wife Selenid and I combined our finances, it just made sense to us. And to be honest, it has worked out fantastically in our favor. 

For a lot of people, however, this choice does not make intuitive sense. After all, there is a lot of vulnerability and commitment in this decision that can be pretty scary.

Nevertheless, I believe it’s worth doing. Below, I share three areas in your life that will be improved by the simple act of merging finances with your partner.

1) Relationship

In a committed LTR, you and your partner are agreeing to be just that, partners — in life and in everything that encompasses life, including finances. If you are in a relationship in which you do not feel comfortable sharing all aspects of your life including finances, I believe that that is not the right relationship. 

Now, I am fortunate and am partners with the love of my life and best friend, Selenid. I have not been burned financially from a prior long-term, committed relationship. I mention this because a lot of the pushback on sharing finances comes from people who have been burned in the past.

A common thread in those cases however is that in the prior relationship, money was not talked about openly. This is not unusual — money issues are a leading cause of divorce in the U.S. However, by sharing finances and growing a healthier financial relationship, we can better preserve our relationships.

In my experience, sharing this aspect of our lives, while not necessarily easy, has brought Selenid and I closer as a couple. 

2) Finances

Two incomes are better than one. Two credit histories are better than one. And two minds are better than one. Combining your finances makes you and your partner financially stronger than you are alone. And the effect is not additive, it is exponential.

This certainly goes for the actual money part of this equation. More cash reserves equals more power to invest. More investment accounts available means more tax advantaged investments. You even have better borrowing power together when it comes to things like using debt to buy cash flowing real estate.

Remember, the simple formula for wealth is create and grow the margin between what you make and what you spend. Well, combining finances increases “what you make” pretty efficiently.

But the more powerful and exponential combination is the combination of mind and money mindsets. This is certainly where Selenid and I have benefited from each other’s perspectives the most. She’s helped me overcome my past money trauma and grow a healthier money mindset. I like to think that I have done the same for her.

In sum (pun intended): You are better financially together when couples share finances.

3) Taxes

In the U.S., our tax code includes significant tax deductions and advantages for married people filing jointly. Now, this is not a reason to get married in itself. But if you are married or are getting married, sharing your finances in this way helps.

Getting even more in the tax weeds, sharing our finances helps Selenid and I take advantage of Real Estate Professional Status (REPS) in our real estate investing for massive tax savings.

Long story short? Stick it to the tax man, share your finances!

Now, what does merging your finances with your partner look like in practice? I’ll use Selenid and myself as an example.

For one thing, we share all financial accounts. This includes all bank accounts — checking and savings, investment accounts, and business accounts. Our incomes both go into a communal account. Now, some of these accounts are only in one of our names (e.g., business accounts). But we both have regular access to these accounts. And it’s similar for our individual retirement accounts, where we are listed as each other’s beneficiary. 

For another, we both have full financial veto power over any financial decision. We decided this on day one. And we both have exercised it a few times.

But, with this decision comes an agreement to have open discussion about our opposing views first. This usually happens right in the moment. One of us will present an idea and if the other disagrees, we will agree to talk about it later at a less emotionally charged time. If after this talk, we still disagree, then we can veto.

Famously, we used this system when deciding to get into real estate investing. I had the idea. It seemed crazy to Selenid. But we both agreed to talk and learn more. And then we mutually came to the agreement that it was worth pursuing.

In addition, Selenid and I run a monthly budget together. Doing our monthly budget, which now takes just 10 minutes or so a month, keeps us both on the same page and makes everything transparent and fair. 

We also wrote our financial plan together — and we both had full veto power in this as well. This helped us make sure that our financial goals were aligned. 

I’ve talked a lot about how simply having a plan increased my financial well-being tremendously and alleviated my burnout. It also helped me focus back on what I loved about medicine. 

Having a shared financial plan functions similarly in a relationship. With money addressed and a plan to reach goals in place, you can focus more on the other, more fun parts of your relationship!

Finally, Selenid and I manage our real estate investments together. Sure, Selenid has the REPS. But that doesn’t mean I am off the hook. We manage these investments together and both put in sweat equity. If one of us can’t do something, then the other jumps in. Sometimes this isn’t convenient. But we do it for each other, again knowing that it will help us reach our shared goals. We also are each listed on all of our properties, including our primary home and all rentals.

Now, you may think that the above all sounds good, but still have lingering questions. Indeed, there are three big things that always come up.

1) My partner doesn’t care as much about finances — why should I share? 

One person caring more about finances is totally normal. There is no topic (other than maybe kids) that partners equally care about in exactly 50/50 fashion — and so personal finance is no different.

Selenid will be the first to tell you that I am way (way) more interested in personal finance than her. I have a true passion for it. She loves that personal finance will take us to our goals, but wouldn’t describe it as a passion.

That’s totally OK. Remember, a relationship is about sharing. There are things she takes more of the burden of than I do. Expecting a relationship to be fully 50/50 is unrealistic and unhealthy.

So, this does not excuse you from sharing finances in your long-term, committed relationship.

2) I make way more money than my partner — why should I share?

This one is a non-starter for me. Remember, money is just a tool. Money in itself is worthless. It is paper or “1’s” and “0’s” on a computer screen. Money only has value for the good it can do for and the joy it can bring to yourself and those around you.

Looking at money in your relationship as some sort of power chip is completely antithetical to this. Plus, it’s a surefire way to burn out in your career and be unhappy in your LTR.

3) My partner has way more debt than me — why should I share?

See above about sharing. That means the good and the bad. I had about 15 times the debt that Selenid had. We pay it off together. 

Of course, as I said above, there is a lot of vulnerability and commitment in the decision for couples to merge finances that can be pretty scary. But the way to deal with these feelings is to go through them. Not around them by ignoring them.

After all, working through your financial issues, trauma, and goals with your partner will only make the relationship stronger and better. I can truly say this from experience!

Do you and your partner share finances? Why or why not? Discuss in the comments!

Jordan Frey, MD is a plastic surgeon in Buffalo, NY at Erie County Medical Center and the University of Buffalo. His clinical focus is on breast reconstruction and complex microsurgery. He is also the founder of The Prudent Plastic Surgeon, one of the fastest growing finance blogs. There, he shares his journey to financial well-being with a goal of helping all physicians reach financial freedom, practicing on their own terms.

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